What Waves May Come

For the first time in a long time, tonight, I feel unknown, misunderstood, and alone.

Alone with my thoughts that I cannot find words to adequately express. Alone with the fear that upon finding the words to expouse, they will fall flat and the feeling of invalidation will exponentially increase.

Validation is a key component to securely navigating through rough emotional waters. Without it I fear I might drown. For an introvert it is safer to stuff down and swallow hard rather than risk expression that will go unheard. The battle between self exposure and self protection again rages wildly.

It has been said of me that I was unteachable and I have spent many years stubbornly learning things "the hard way". With age, I have witnessed depth, steadfastness and courage through the vulnerability of those who have walked ahead of me and shared their experiences in hindsight. I am honored to think of quite of a few brilliant beings that have paused on their journey long enough to share their light with me.

In the midst of the crashing waves at this moment, it is those people and the space they hold to which I am clinging. Words of:
"I've been right where you are. I remember it clearly and I understand completely. " are just enough to give breath to one desperately panicked.
On the shoulders of those who are in my consciousness I hope to rest while I wait for this, yet another, tidal wave to do its damage, perform its purpose, and flow back out into the sea.

Earning a Struggle

As we all are born with this inate ability, my brother and I had a talent for wearing our mother into a complete frazzled mess. She was a long suffering soul but when we had pushed far enough, I knew it. Upon pushing her too far she would say, "Alright...you've been begging and begging for this. Enough is enough." Discipline of some form or another would swiftly follow those words. To be fair, it was true. In whatever circumstance, I really had asked for it, and then some. No one likes discipline of any form but to be able to accept it as unavoidable and, at times quite earned, does give one strength to endure.

I struggle to maintain a status of non-smoker. My early seasons of smoking was more a social activity than a habit. It was of no bother at all to spend a weekend splurging and then put them down again for months or years. Friends would warn me, "One day, that's going to catch up with you."
"Nah...I got this."

As it is with all wisdom from souls who have "been there, done that", they were right. It caught me quite well eventually. Falling in and out of the ashtray repeatedly for many years, I recently quit... again.

Some people ease out of an addiction with the help of available aides. I'm not one of those people. I tend to choose the most difficult path to reach an end. Most often, it's out of sheer impatience. I don't want to drag something out. If it needs to be done, get it done quickly regardless of consequences. I never said I was smart; just stubborn.

Nicotine reacts in the brain as a form of antidepressant. Stopping that flow causes lots of misfires for a few days. It's difficult to think clearly or respond to stress appropriately. Needless to say, feeling the effects of withdrawal is not fun. When I've indulged too much and wind up back in the boat of quitting I give myself permission and validation for wanting to crawl out of my skin, yet at the same time I feel no self-pity. After all, I know better. So in the midst of feeling miserable I remind myself, "Suck it up...you earned this one...time to pay the piper."

I am no masochist. I thoroughly enjoy comfort and peace. But to think that one can get through life without facing consequences and difficulty is futile. To accept and embrace joy as well as sorrow is to revel in the human experience. At opportunities to choose railing against or flowing with a challenge -- especially one that I brought upon myself - I sing to myself this acknowledgment: "...you bleed just to know you're alive."

Holding Ground

There are times in life that one must support another, regardless of pain or price. Reactions within the interior required to stand in resolve may never be adequately communicated but much can be understood without a word being spoken. A gaze prolonged, the jaw clinched, the head tip downward briefly only to snap back up slightly more elevated than before; it's as if the body speaks to itself, "chin up".

Those simple components of body language are fascinating but often go unnoticed. A look that holds a pause searches for understanding as well as pleads to be understood; a jaw that tightens is one that refuses to utter imposing perspective; a head turned down almost falls under the weight only to snap back up in solid resolve to hold back dissenting emotion. After rapid processing, one interested in another's well-being will have resumed engaging in moment.

What is it about our psyche that allows us to process through this kind of pattern so quickly and recover? It's not simply a matter of synapses. An emotional resolve has to be in place for the process to not break down into an unhealthy reaction. Without the groundwork of sacrifice, a disappointment can easily throw any of us into a toddler-style tantrum. The calm resolve of which I speak is one that is born out of a unique determination to love a fellow man in the face of difficulties.

A drowning man is not interested in hearing of my swimmer's ear. A strong hand to throw him a rope would be more effective than any commiseration that could be spouted. A wise man once reportedly taught, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." When another is in need, the moment is no longer about personal comfort.

While to ignore personal pain in order to support another can be quite a struggle, it is a pure form of giving that should be a goal for all. Admittedly, at times, the undercurrent of emotions swirl enough to cause the surface to cave but while facing the need of another, choose to control reactive opinions behind a tight jaw and a face like flint. Offer warmth and encouragement rather than harsh judgment. Sacrifice indulging in one's own desire in order to support another.
This is the honorable practice of a strong emotional constitution.
This is the way of giving.